She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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