I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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