She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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