You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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