Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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