You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
