I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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