dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
