I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
