At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
