I am in a vortex of obligation.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
