i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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