i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize