JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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