I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
