I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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