maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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