My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize