**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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