Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
