I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
