you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
soo... how was my night?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
