remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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