Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
