i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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