He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
