and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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