she looked like the bat from fern gully.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
