Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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