I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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