would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
