I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
