the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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