We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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