i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
