we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
We need to get me chipped asap
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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