You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just want nice things and good sex
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
