the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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