who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
That reminds me...we need to get swords
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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