why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
