if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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