this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So many bounce houses so little time
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize