The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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