well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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