Cold hands, warm shart.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize