Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
