A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
