If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
