I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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