my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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