I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My penis needs a shock collar
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize