do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
