We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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