with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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