A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
