One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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