So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
