Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
