ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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